The Order of the Virgins Who Can’t Drive

By: Lani

Don’t tell the Missouri department of motor vehicles, but I really can’t drive. Sure, I am much better at it than I was at 16, when I failed my driving test twice and was a few points away from failing a third time. But I’m only on the roads thanks to that nice old man, the driving proctor, who passed me out of sympathy on my third test. The fact of the matter is that I didn’t even know left from right before I started driving. I don’t even have a very good grasp on it now. What can I say? I’m left-handed, but I always think I’m “right.” Also, I hate driving, I hate cars, I hate filling up my gas tank (though I am very fortunate to have car that gets descent mileage). But, alas, I live in St. Louis, and I have no choice. If you want to get to work, if you want to get to school, you have to drive. There is basically no public transportation, especially not out here in the ‘burbs (it brings in those kinds of people...).

Come here Rudd boy, boy... is you big enough?

Not being able to drive is just one reason why I relate so well to Cher Horowitz of 'Clueless.' I’m also totally, majorly, butt-crazy in love with Paul Rudd, but who isn’t? Oh yeah, and I’m a virgin. A virgin who can’t drive. In 'Clueless,' Cher, 16,  is made to be ashamed of her “status” by Brittney Murphy’s (R.I.P.) character, Jersey-Girl, Tai. At 20, I realize just how "way harsh" this is, especially as a virgin who still can’t drive. Not everyone loses their virginity after the homecoming dance or on prom night. Some people don’t even lose it their Freshman year of college. My still-with-standing virginity has nothing to do with religious beliefs (unlike most of my other virgin friends who are waiting until they're married, in the grand tradition of Twilight). Though, I like to jokingly blame it on having a name that means “Heavenly Mary” (Lani - Hawaiian, “heavenly;” Marie - French, “Mary”) and having been raised Catholic. And, not to brag, but I don’t really think my continued lack of consummation has nothing to do with me not being bang-able.

"You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet."

It has a lot more to do with being surrounded by guys who resemble Elton in personality (not in looks, because Jeremy Sisto is “my type” in that department) my whole life. I’m sorry that I am not turned on by blatant  (or subconscious) misogyny and/or classism. I don’t care what car you drive, who your father is, how much money you have, or what you drink. If you’re an asshole, you are not fucking me. That’s just how it works, because I have standards and lack daddy-issues (i.e. - my biggest issue with my dad is that he's one of my best friends).

Elton, trapped behind the veil of Male Privilege.

And seriously, my post-secondary education is even more full of Elton types than before. My school has every sport ever. We have sports I didn’t even know were sports before I start going to Lindenwood (including bowling, shooting and weight lifting). I hate sports. It comes after a lifetime of getting hit in the head in gym class whist playing any sport that ends with “-ball.” In my time at Lindenwood, I’ve only ever been to ONE football game. I think that might be a record. I’m surprised I haven’t been bullied into going to more, since most of my friends are in marching band. Also, we have a shit-ton of frats, like co-ed service fraternities. And hey, good for you if you like helping people and being involved in extra-curriculars, but I am not paying money to partake in mandatory community service. 

Cher: I want to do something for humanity.
Josh: How about sterilization? 

I’ve done pretty well at making friends in college with out being on a sports team or joining a frat. I have found some people whose idea of fun doesn’t solely revolve around playing table tennis (or some other ridiculous “sport”) or beer pong (they’re cousins!) Mostly, my idea of fun at school is going out to eat with friends, hiding in the library or hanging around the TV station/video editing lab. While this might not be incredibly well-adjusted, it’s not too maladjusted either. 

God Forbid, I want to have sex with my Step Brother.

I watch way too many movies and in the past couple movies I’ve seen: If you lose your virginity and you’re a girl, BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN. You will get the clap, you will get raped, you will get pregnant. It’s just like the Sex Ed / Gym Teacher in 'Mean Girls' said:

Coach Carr: Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers. 

And this is the message that has been around a long time before Nancy Reagan came up with her “JUST SAY NO!” Policy in the 80s. For women, it’s almost always been there. And at the same time the opposite message is always around too.

  

Just do WHAT? I need you to be more specific!

Which makes modern life and sex and sexuality pretty goddamn confusing. Tina Fey, while she may not be the perfect model for feminism, must know how I feel, seeing as she had her V-card until she was 24. (She claims that she “couldn’t give it away,” but I am pretty sure this is part of her old “single-lady” schtick. I’m not falling for it any more, TINA). Mean Girls (Clueless for the 2k’s, amirite?) does, however, pass the Mo-Movie measure and it actually discusses the issues young girls face everyday. 

Save a horse, ride marry a Playgirl Centerfold.

Coach Carr’s line about sex is a parody of abstinence education. It might be a stretch, but it could also be a parody of the continued fascination with the Madonna-Whore complex in our culture and media (especially film). Bret Easton Ellis is already on my bad list, but here’s the thing, I liked 'Rules of Attraction' - I liked it a lot. You know, before I saw the unedited version where Lauren loses her virginity by getting raped. My biggest complaint with 'The Last Days of Disco' is that Alice contracts the Clap her first time (and that Robert Sean Leonard gives it to her). In 'Les Parapluies de Cherbourg' (or 'The Umbrellas of Cherbourg'), Genevieve gets pregnant after giving it up to Guy. And even on my favorite TV show, 'Mad Men', there is the message of “lose your vigitinity and you shall suffer." Peggy gets pregnant and fails to notice until she’s giving birth, and the whole story line is at least PARTIALLY to show that Pete is not impotent... Oh the dramatic irony!

"I don't like you like this!"

If this is what *really* happens when you lose it, then I’m joining a convent now. We shall be the order of The Virgins Who Can’t Drive. ... But since it isn’t what happens, it’s just the overly-dramatic, neo-Freudian visions of men with mean mommies, I’m okay with losing my virginity. On my own time. With the right guy. While using protection. And then making movies with realistic, albeit boring, sex scenes...